Di Has Stories…

(and they’re all true)

An Open Letter to My Customers December 19, 2006

Filed under: work work work — Diana @ 9:57 am

I know that we have covered this territory before, but it hasn’t seemed to sink in quite yet. Let’s have another few words about how to call in to your friendly customer service representative:


(1) Ask for what you want. You have called looking for an answer – don’t make me guess what you want. Remember when your third grade teacher said she’s always guess wrong? So do I, scooter. It’s not rude to straight out ask your question. Get over yourself, put together a sentence, and make your voice go up at the end so I know a question has occurred.

(2) You are on MY time. As soon as I answer the phone, you are to be devoted to why you called. That cell phone call, the person walking in, or the itch of your ass can wait until we are done. You do not get to put ME on hold – you will be disconnected. I have lots of other people waiting to talk to me, and YOU are holding them up. If what has interrupted you is so goddamn urgent, you can call us back.

(3) Brains. They’re not just for eating. If you mailed a payment two days ago, and got a bill two days ago that had a prior amount due, chances are really fucking good that we received the payment AFTER we sent the bill. Yet every day I get at least half a dozen calls wanting to know why there is a prior amount due. Check this out people: when you mail shit in late, we think it’s late. Buy a clue.

(4) Do your own work. Don’t make your spouse, kid, financial advisor, or guy on the street call in for you. We can’t talk to them, and they never know what the hell you want anyway. Stop being such a lazy fucker.

(5) I don’t need your whole damn life story. Just get to the question.

(6) Identify yourself, with your actual name. Unless your mother named you Secretary or Council President, I want to hear something else come out of your mouth.

(7) We have approximately 48,945,189 forms. When you want help in filling out one of these (extremely simple and well laid out – really) forms, I don’t know what Section C3 on that particular one is. Yeah, I can find it, but it’s gonna take a while. Why don’t you just tell me what it says, and I can answer your question? That’s easier for all of us.

(8) Again, KNOW WHO YOU ARE. How do you not know your social security number or name of employer?

(9) Be, uh, confident. If you, um, talk like, ah, this, it makes me, uh, want to, oh, shoot you, you know?


In general, just try not to be an asshat when you are calling. You know how you hate your job? We hate ours 10 times as much, because we have to deal with you.

Love, Di



Today’s answers:

§ New annuity numbers will be released on the 27th

§ Because there are limits, and you went over them.

§ Yes, you have to participate in disability.

§ Medical goes up January 1 every year.

§ Wrong number.

§ No, we haven’t received the three payments you think you’ve made.

§ We’ll bill you for it.

§ No, stupid vendor, that’s YOUR job.

§ Annuitization and retirement are two separate events. That’s why there are two separate dates. Why am I listening to this woman mumble while she reads letters? How has she gone to graduate school and can’t read a simple fucking letter?

§ If the person quit in December, you don’t owe for January. Please blow your nose before you call next time. I don’t need to hear your snot.

§ The money in the amount available means that it’s the amount available for you to take at this time.

§ Since you can’t keep your own damn records, here’s what was paid in.

§ Medical goes up January 1 every year.

§ Yes, you really have to fill out the form.

§ Yes, we have your paperwork

§ Bills are printed on the 10th

§ New annuity numbers will be released on the 27th

§ The check is in the mail

§ Application for enrollment.

§ It’s a randomly generated number.


Thank Jebus I am almost out of here.


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