You know what? I am happy to help you…if you are not a complete shithead. In order to minimize the asshattery and twatwafflry that we have to deal with on a daily basis, please adhere to the following guidelines.
- If you are calling regarding a letter that My Fine Organization has sent you, the first thing to do is read the fucking letter. Yes, all of it. Most times, it will tell you what you need to know. If you call me, I’m going to read it to you. If I wanted to read out loud to a group, I would have become a kindergarten teacher. Speaking of which, even though the members of My Fine Organization are for the most part seminary graduates, we realize you can’t comprehend anything above a fourth grade reading level, and we write our letters appropriately. I don’t know how you can comprehend the mystery of the holy trinity, but not a simple letter.
- God damn it people, know your identifying information. If you know, in your heart, that we are going to ask for your social security number, know what it is. Giggling and saying “Gosh, I don’t know!” is not going to inspire me to look for it in other ways…it’s going to inspire me to tell you to go find it, and call back. And don’t ask for me. I already hate you. Oh, and I don’t know where you keep it. I don’t take care of your house. (And, by the sound of it, neither do you.)
- Oh, and don’t refuse to give me information in case people are listening, or because you are worried about identify theft. There are MUCH more efficient ways to get your personal information than listening to your telephone conversations. And to tell me that I don’t need the information? Well, then you don’t need what I have for you. And when you make me look you up in some other way…guess what pops up? You got it – your social security number, address, phone numbers, all your family’s information….You are just lucky that I am an honest person.
- FYI: I have a bachelors degree and 11 years of experience. I know more about your plans and insurance than you ever will. You stick to Jebus, I’ll stick to my thing. When I tell you something, it’s as true as gospel (if you’re into that sort of thing).
- As much as you think that this is a charitable organization, it’s not. It’s a business unit of a huge corporation that happens to be centered around some people’s notion of the divine. That being said, I don’t “prayerfully reconsider” shit. Follow the rules, or suffer the consequences. You know, like following the commandments and not going to hell. Only in this case, the devil is an angry red-headed woman.
- Calculators. Learn them. Love them. Fucking use them. Do not call me to get your math, or to check your math. Chances are, I’m gonna fuck it up, too.
- Do not automatically assume that I don’t know anything because I am a phone monkey. Do NOT start with “I don’t think you are the person that can help me.” There are two reasons for this: (1) I AM the person that can help you, and (2) You aren’t getting to anyone else until I pass you on. Your question is in my hands, bitch. Be nice to me.