oday is the last day that I will be taking my “old” buses to work, as I will be moving in with The Sweetie this weekend, and will be able to trade up to a 10 minute bus ride each way (giving me an extra hour and a half to my day!).
I thought I would take this time to share what I have learned on these buses during my nine months of rides (excluding the days that The Sweetie picked me up):
- Don’t talk to anyone
- Bathing is optional
- Even if bathing is a part of your daily/weekly/monthly ritual, please feel free to load up on the perfume or personal product that makes the rest of us WISH that we were smelling the BO.
- The best way to deal with your five year old is to inform him/her to SHUT UP repeatedly, and swear at them. Slamming said five year old into a seat is also acceptable.
- However, if you are more of a laissez-faire parent, letting the little fucker roam the aisles, sit next to anyone they want, and generally annoy the rest of us, is fine too.
- Bus time = personal care time. Feel free to take out your Qtips and go to town, or forgo that silly tooth brushing at home and just pick the shit out of your teeth with that nasty old toothpick.
- Pulling out debris from your ears/nose/mouth/ass and examining it lets the rest of us enjoy it, too.
- Annoying = handicapped. If you are a loudmouth, feel free to take up the seats at the front of the bus so that those with mobility issues have to move to the back.
- If you are on a standing room only bus, and you are young, but a pregnant woman or elderly person is standing, feel free to hang on to your seat. Make sure to give that person ugly looks when they accidentally brush up to you while the bus is in motion.
- There must be some sort of bus driver pool that gives prizes to the driver who makes the most riders puke. Seriously.